Practice blog

Katie's Story

The following story is one of several accounts shared with us by a group of young people; all have experienced domestic abuse and have been supported by the Ypvas working at the Young People Violence Advisor (Ypva) Service in South Tyneside. They have shared their individual stories to raise awareness of domestic abuse in the hope that victims and services will be inspired to make change. For an audio version of this blog, visit our Soundcloud profile or scroll to the bottom of the page.

*All names have been changed to protect identities

I was 15 when I met him, he was two years older than me. At first I wasn’t interested in him but the more I got to know him the closer and nicer he got. It was like he was different from the other boys, he showed me that he knew how to treat a lady in the way no other boy would. He seemed caring and nice and loving so I started to get feelings for him like he had for me. At that point it took me nearly 4 months to know him, I felt the same and when I asked him he obviously said yes. We were both happy and he started to show me what an actual relationship was like and, he showed me how stuff was meant to go in relationships. He kept on proving to me that he was a nice boy to the point I didn’t want to stay at home no more. I wanted to move out from my mams even though I was only 15 so I did, but my mam was not happy in the slightest. This was when stuff was starting to go different between us but I couldn’t see it as I was madly in love with him. I didn’t think there was anything wrong by it as he told me my mam was wrong and that I wasn’t too young to move out.  He also said that he would be there to look after me and I needed to start growing up and learning to look after myself, as one day I would have to leave my mams so I listened to him. Soon enough me and my mam fell out over it. 

Living with him was good for the first month and then he started drinking constantly, like every day constantly having parties with loads of girls and hardly no boys, I knew one of the girls and soon enough he started going on differently, different personality, not like the nice person at the start. He started calling me names when there was loads of people there, making me out to be the bad person and him being the victim so they would start joining in. Then he apologised saying it was the drink talking, not him. So obviously I forgave him every time but it kept on happening, then it started to get worse. I found out one night when I was asleep, and he was drunk again, that he had cheated on me. When I asked him he said it wasn’t him, it was the drink, and that he had stayed with her because he didn’t want to wake me up. I forgave him, then he started throwing me outside at midnight, calling me names like slag, slut and worthless. When I got threw out I had no coat, no nothing but he’d never let me back in until he felt like it, even if I begged him. So obviously every time he came to get me I’d be freezing and say to him, why do you keep doing this to me. He would say stuff like oh babe, baby you know I don’t mean it, even though I’d be in tears, freezing, angry and confused, asking myself why he was like this in front of his friends and always when he was drunk. I hated it, but I still loved him and I didn’t know what he was doing to me was wrong.

Then it got worse, he started getting aggressive and abusive, not just mentally but physically. He started hurting me, he hit me and forced me to lie to my family for money so he could buy drink and drugs.  If I didn’t lie or get money he’d hit me, kick off with me and chuck me out of the house.  When I got paid he would take all of my money off me and say I control your money, not you.  Even though I knew it went on drink or clubbing I was too scared to say no so I always gave in, this went on for three years and I would not leave him because I was scared. Every time I did leave he’d drag me back in or stalk me and so I was trapped until one day I had the courage to leave him. But even when I got rid of him I still kept on getting phone calls and stalked and threatened. 

Then it got to the point that he started saying he was going to kill himself and the blood would be on my hands to make me go back. Every time I did he’d be sitting there with his drink and loads of pills in his hand, so I would take them off him and leave but he would always make me feel like the bad person, that it was my fault he’s this way, that I’m a coward, a big slut and a nobody every time. Then one night I went back one last time to find he had a friend with him. They were both drunk like usual so I went to leave. He said no, stay and have sex with me. They both kept on going on about it saying please come on, repeating it all the time until I gave in and done it because I was scared as they wouldn’t let me out and what they would have they would have done if I hadn’t. 

After I ran out and he started chucking stuff at me. After getting his keys he ran out following me to the point I had to hide until he left.  I got home to tell my mam everything to the point she got me help with the YPVA Service that help young people and other young girls who have went through what I have went through and get you back on track. Now look at me, no more B*, he’s got a Restraining Order.  I’m no longer scared of all of the time because of their help.  Now I’m getting better and recovering slowly.  Because of their help I understand what to look out for now I’m with their service.

For more survivor stories, insights and resources on supporting young people experiencing domestic abuse, visit our Spotlight page.

Chantelle's Story

Chantelle is a survivor, writer and musician. She bravely got in touch with us to share her story, in the hope that it would help others. She has also written a poem about her experiences. For an audio version of this blog, visit our Soundcloud profile or scroll to the bottom of the page.

My name is Chantelle Hall, I am 18 years old. When I was 15 I got into a relationship that would change my life. The first few months were perfect, we went out places, we met each others family, we were still young so we just had a good time. One day I was on the phone to a male friend, and my partner decided that it wasn't okay for me to do that. That was the first time he hit me. After that it kind of just becomes a blur.

He started checking my texts, my calls, my emails, the comments and likes on my social media. Sometimes he even took my phone away from me. If I was out with friends, he'd call me every ten minutes expecting a detailed list of the people I was with, where we were and what we doing – on many occasions that wasnt enough and I'd have to send a picture as proof. He started to control my every move, and eventually I had no control over my life anymore. At sixteen I lost the choice in wether or not we had sex, it became a need for him rather than a want and even when I didn't want to, he found a way to get it.

He isolated me from a lot of my friends and sometimes even my family. Anything I said or did that he didn't like would result in a kick, or a punch, or a chunk of my hair being pulled out. He repeatedly cheated on me and if I ever tried to leave him, he'd threaten to kill himself or harm himself in some way. I was completely trapped. But I loved him, and I didn't want anyone to think he was a bad person – because to him it was my fault anyway, and he reminded me of that everyday, until I eventually believed it too. I became very depressed, and started self harming. I lost interest in school, in my music, in everything. 

Just after New Years, I decided enough was enough and found the courage to walk away. It was in January 2016 that I caught him with another girl, and when I asked him why he told me that I wasn't enough anymore, and that I should just kill myself. My friend was with me and she took my phone and blocked his number, deleted him from everything and told me that now was my chance to regain my freedom, and that I should run and never look back. So I did just that. 

I moved away from the area and got myself a fresh start. I got my friends back, my family back and I'm working on building my self confidence. I started writing as a way of processing what was happening to me, and now it's just a part of my daily routine. I found that maybe taking some of these negative thoughts and turning them into something positive could encourage a lot of other victims of domestic violence to stand up and fight back. 

Just because he tells you he's asking because he cares, or that he only got mad because he loves you, it doesn't mean it's true. That isn't love, it's torture, and nobody deserves that. 

For more survivor stories, resources and insight around supporting young people experiencing domestic abuse, visit our Spotlight page.

"I've gained the experience and ability to support my clients better": reflections on SafeLives Idva training

Independent domestic violence advisors (Idvas) are an advocate for victims of domestic abuse. They act as a single point of contact, supporting their clients to be safe from abuse and helping them to rebuild their lives. Over the last ten years at SafeLives we’ve trained over 2,100 Idvas, helping them to gain professional recognition for the vital work they do. SafeLives Communications Officer Ruth Davies caught up with Sharon Griffiths, who has just completed her Foundation Idva course.

Ruth: Hi Sharon, congratulations on completing your course! Could you tell me a bit about how you started working as an Idva?

Sharon: I’ve been working with victims of domestic abuse for about ten years. I started as a volunteer with Victim Support, working with victims of domestic and sexual abuse. I then became the Women’s Safety Worker at the probation service for two years, and I joined Plymouth Domestic Abuse Service as an Idva in April 2014.

What were the main things you took away from the training, and how do you think it will help you to support your clients?

It’s definitely made me more confident in my job – especially when I’m in a multi-agency setting and I have to professionally challenge to get the best outcome for my client. I also feel a lot more comfortable in advising clients about criminal and civil court procedures.

Does having an accredited qualification make a difference to the way you feel about your job?

To be honest, I never thought that having a qualification would matter to me. But now I’ve found that it’s increased my confidence. I’ve gained the experience and ability to support my clients better, and I’m confident that my input will make a difference to maintain their safety and empower them to move forward.

Now you’ve completed the training, what do you think you’ll do next?

I’m keen to share what I’ve learned with my colleagues, and often feed information back to them from the training materials. Depending on securing the funding, I’d love to do the Isva course – and I’m interested in the possibility of achieving the Diploma, although of course it depends on the funding.

Thanks so much for talking to us Sharon!

Thank you.

 

If you’d like to find out more about our courses for Idvas and other professionals, visit our training pages.

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A trauma informed response for working with young people affected by domestic abuse

Jo Sharpen is the Policy Manager at Against Violence and Abuse (AVA). In this blog she explains how the effects of trauma can manifest in young people affected by domestic abuse, and how practitioners and services can understand and prevent re-traumatisation of young people. For an audio version of this blog, visit our Soundcloud profile or scroll to the  bottom of the page.

The term ‘trauma-informed’ is becoming increasingly popular, but how does trauma relate to domestic abuse and how can we provide trauma-informed care for young people?

‘Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being’[1].

Domestic abuse certainly fits these criteria and can be exacerbated by the fact that the trauma is perpetrated by someone close to the victim and by the unpredictable nature of abuse. There are many common responses to trauma such as hyper-arousal, numbing, increased startle response, flashbacks, avoidance, sleep problems, anxiety, memory and attention problems, developmental delays and attachment issues to name a few. These are all normal responses to abnormal situations, but on the surface may manifest as behaviour that may seem irrational, illogical or even risky. A concern then is that such behaviours could potentially be misdiagnosed as a child being defiant, oppositional or as having ADHD.

Young people who have experienced abuse are making complex, daily decisions about risk and safety. Due to the trauma response, they may be living mainly in the ‘survival’ part of the brain, constantly hyper-vigilant and scanning for threats and danger. This may come at the expense of higher reasoning, problem solving and logical reasoning. Sometimes this alarm response can still happen, even when the person is in a safe place. The brain stores memories of trauma that may be triggered by sounds, smells etc. and can result in an automatic, unconscious response.

We need to understand these responses so we can better support young people. Services often prioritise one issue whereas young people need a trauma informed approach which understands they may be experiencing multiple disadvantages (see the previous blog from Dr Kat Ford on adverse childhood experiences). Young people also need to understand that their responses are normal, as it can be very frightening and confusing especially if they can’t make the links between their behaviour and their experiences.

If we do not respond appropriately, we risk re-traumatising someone. For instance, excluding a teenage from school for ‘misbehaving’ can remind them of abuse or rejection. Similarly, closing a case when someone does not engage or show up to appointments does not allow for the fact that simply leaving the house can be difficult when experiencing abuse or recovering from trauma.

 A trauma informed response focuses not on what is ‘wrong’ with someone, but rather what they have experienced.

For instance, instead of thinking a young person is disruptive or not engaging, we understand that they have been triggered; instead of thinking that a young person needs ‘consequences’ or anger management, we understand they need routine, support and self-worth.

SAMHSA’s ‘four R’ model is a helpful reminder:

“A program, organisation, or system that is trauma-informed:

  1. Realises the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery;
  2. Recognises the signs and symptoms of trauma in clients, families, staff, and others involved with the system;
  3. Responds by fully integrating knowledge about trauma into policies, procedures, and practices; and
  4. Seeks to actively resist re-traumatisation."

What we must always remember is that the impacts of trauma are preventable and reversible. With understanding, training and support we can ensure we are providing a more appropriate and therapeutic response that will impact on the long term wellbeing of young people affected by domestic abuse.

For more information on how to create a trauma informed response for survivors of domestic abuse, please visit the AVA website.

Visit our Spotlight page for more resources, guidance and survivor stories to inform your work with young people.

 

[1] SAMHSA (2014)  Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a Trauma-Informed Approach

Working with young people in abusive relationships – and how it's different to helping adults

Claire Amans is the Young Person’s Violence Advisor (Ypva) Services Coordinator for South Tyneside. Claire was trained as a Ypva through SafeLives Young Person’s programme, funded by the Department for Education. Here Claire reflects on the role of a Ypva, and how it differs to working with adults. For an audio version of this blog, visit our Soundcloud profile or scroll to the bottom of the page.

When I started working as a young people’s violence advisor, I was surprised to see how many young people were victims of high-risk abuse. I’d worked in youth justice previously, so I knew that there would be some high-risk victims, but I didn’t realise how many.

Now I look back on the past three years and think “Who was working with these young people before?”  They get so much out of the service that there’s clearly a need. I’ve worked with 16-17 year olds who had used an adult service before, in the absence of anything else. They’ve said that it was really helpful for them to have that, but they felt that it didn’t meet all of their needs.

Adult services are different, and rightly so – what they do is right for adults. But at 16-17 you are still a child in the eyes of the law, so you need support beyond what an adult service might have the resources to offer.

And that’s where South Tyneside’s three Young Person’s Violence Advisors (Ypvas) come in; we offer young people personalised support and act as a single point of contact for all the problems they face.

In South Tyneside we do a lot of one-to-one work. We do the core safety planning and healthy relationship work, but we also look at the individual young person and their specific needs – like building their social network and their confidence. That includes becoming safe from the abuse itself, of course, but also issues such as housing, finance and education to name just a few.

Our engagement with young people has been fantastic and we’ve had contacts reaching into the late hundreds. Weekly sessions are offered to all young people and can sometimes last for 2-3 hours per session depending on the intervention offered.  What we offer is very intensive, but it’s necessary at times to help the young person holistically. Spending that much time with them can also mean they’re more likely to open up to you around personal issues such as sexual health or substance use.

There are times when a young person can feel overwhelmed due to their circumstances and the different agencies involved, and may need you to advocate for them to make sure their voice is heard. For example, one referral we received was for a 16-year-old who was homeless because of domestic violence, so it wasn’t safe for her to return home. We couldn’t just signpost her to the housing team and leave it at that. She wasn’t sure of the process involved and felt overwhelmed. Having someone to advocate for her when she felt emotional or wasn’t sure how to answer the question was important. We needed to help them understand why it wasn’t safe for her to go home. Bridging that gap for her meant that she was taken seriously and supported – and she now is in emergency accommodation.

When she first moved in, I took her shopping. I explained about budgeting and then took her back to her supported accommodation. She’d not had to do any household chores like that prior to becoming homeless – even putting food in the freezer was something she didn’t know about. With adults you might be able to rely on them to understand basic things like shopping, managing money and so on. But for many young people, on top of dealing with an abusive relationship, this may be their first experience of the real world and it can be a very worrying and overwhelming time for them.

She told me afterwards that she wouldn’t have been able to manage alone on her own – she wouldn’t have known where to go or what to say. Without intensive support, she wouldn’t have had the confidence to deal with the situation and would have remained at risk.

Now that this young person has safe and secure accommodation, we can focus on safety planning and healthy relationship work to help her stay safe from abuse.

It goes to show that, with young people, you need to do more than just signpost. You need to go on that journey with them. Young people should be able to expect the support of a dedicated worker. They deserve not to have to live in chaos. Having that central co-ordinator to not just help them be safe, but also to understand their needs and champion their cause, is vital. 

SafeLives young people’s programme was created to find new ways to help young people who suffer abuse from the people they are close to. It began in May 2013 and has now come to an end, leaving a legacy of over one hundred trained Ypva’s. It was a partnership with Barnardo’s, IKWRO, Leap, and the Marie Collins Foundation and was funded by the Department for Education.

Visit our training pages for information about SafeLives Ypva training courses.

Visit our Spotlight homepage for more resources, content and personal stories from young people and the professionals who support them.