7th December 2021
No questions asked. What about the burn on my hand? The missing hair? The teeth? I waited to be asked. Ask me. Ask me. Ask me. I’d tell her. I’d tell them everything. Look at the burn. Ask me about it. Ask.
Recently I read Roddy Doyle’s book The Woman Who Walked into Doors. I won’t spoil the book for anyone, but this section in particular has stayed with me. It rings true to my work as an Independent Domestic Abuse Advocate (Idaa). The people I worked with often wanted to be asked, and for their answers to be heard.
Think about the people you come into contact with through your work. They might not be presenting with burns, bruises, missing hair… What about the person who is nervous that their appointment is running over, because their partner will be waiting for them? The person who flinches at being touched? The person who has had to walk to their appointments because they struggle to get together the bus fare? The person who misses appointments, then shows up with heavy makeup and clothes to cover their skin? The person who is increasingly using substances? The person you find it difficult to keep in contact with because their phone number keeps changing?
Do you suspect they may be experiencing domestic abuse? There may be other reasons for these things, but it is important not to assume, and to ask about whether they are experiencing domestic abuse. Do you feel like you can ask about it?
Often we feel nervous about asking; worried we’ll offend someone, or damage the relationships we’re trying to build to work with someone. Some professionals have disclosed to me that they don’t know what to do if someone does disclose abuse.
But if there’s something that the above quote illustrates, it’s that victim/survivors want to be asked. Domestic abuse can have a significant impact on someone’s mental health. In our “We Only Do Bones Here” report, 98% of respondents said domestic abuse had affected their mental health.
At SafeLives, we have been working to help people feel able to Reach In to those who may be experiencing Domestic Abuse. As a professional, these are some pointers for how you can Reach In:
In an emergency
If you believe someone is in immediate danger please call 999 and ask for the police. It is helpful to know that if you are not safe to speak you can dial 999 and when you connect to the operator dial ‘55’. This lets them know that you cannot speak, but you do need help.
How to help
1. Prepare
Think of safety first and don’t put yourself or the person you are working with at risk.
- Think about safe ways to meet or contact them when they’re alone – if you have phone contact it can be helpful to arrange code words in advance to know if it is safe to talk
- Be led by what they think is safe – victim/survivors have developed lots of ways to keep themselves safe over time
- Know what help is available locally – try searching your local council website for ‘domestic abuse’
- Have the numbers for the relevant national helplines to hand
2. Ask
Start conversations gently, conveying your concern. In some areas this may be a question you routinely ask, but don’t dismiss it by saying “We have to ask this” or “This wouldn’t apply to you” – what you are saying is that you don’t want to hear the answer.
- “I’ve noticed your partner has been coming along to appointments and waiting for you. How do you feel about that?”
- “Sometimes things happening at home can have an impact on our mental health. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
- “Is there anything happening that’s affecting you at the moment? I’ve noticed some injuries when you’ve come in, what happened there?”
3. Listen
A common concern is feeling like you don’t know enough about domestic abuse to respond well. But simply listening can help someone to break the silence around their situation.
- “Go on…”
- “What do you want to happen with your situation?”
4. Reassure
If someone tells you they are being abused, the important thing to convey is that you believe the person, and to let them know what is happening is wrong.
- “I believe you.”
- “It’s not your fault.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
5. Offer help
Make suggestions, not demands. It’s important not to pressure the person who is experiencing abuse. They need to make their own decisions in their own time.
- Ask if they are involved with a specialist service already. If they are not, you can offer to make a referral to the local service.
- Offer to ring a local support service, or a helpline, to find out about support. Lots of people experiencing abuse find it helpful to talk to a specialist about their partner’s behaviour to ask if this is abusive.
- Safety plan – this should be led by the person experiencing abuse. If they tell you they want to leave it is best to contact a specialist service to ensure this is done safely.
- If the person tells you they want to remain in the home talk through what they might do in an emergency, for example carrying their mobile phone with them (or hiding a phone somewhere in the home), knowing about the silent solution (where if they are in a situation where they have to call 999 and cannot speak they can let the operator know that they do need help by pressing 55 once connected), and places to avoid in the home like kitchens, bathrooms and balconies. This is a helpful resource.
- Think about how to safely work with the person – this can include using safe words and a plan for what you will do if they don’t turn up to scheduled meetings with you
- Ask about any triggers there may be for them in the work you are doing
- Seek Domestic Abuse training
More information on how to Reach In to someone you know who may be experiencing domestic abuse is available here.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, are worried about a friend/family member, or would like more information about spotting the signs of abuse, immediate help is available.
Interested in becoming an Independent Domestic Abuse Advocate? Find out about our training.