Policy blog

A letter to my younger self

This letter was written by a brave member of SafeLives staff, who is also one of our Pioneers. She has chosen to share her story with the hope of raising awareness and empowering other survivors.

To my younger self

Just because he is black doesn’t mean you have to defend him whatever he does. Just because you stood up to prejudice and married a black man doesn’t mean you have to deny what he is doing.

When people are racist to him it’s right to defend him, be angry and hurt, and support him, but that’s separate from accepting his violence and anger at you.

You are not his protector.

It’s not ok just because he is a victim himself.

It’s right to want to try and escape. Its right to want to protect your children, his children from seeing and hearing his bad behaviour.

I know it’s hard because he is fitting that horrible prejudiced stereotype of a violent black man and you don’t want him to be.

You want to be able to prove them all wrong, all those racists. All those people who say these bad things about people of colour are wrong... but so is he.

He is wrong to be violent and controlling.

You don’t have to be as good a cook as his mum. You don’t have to fix the window he broke by pushing you through it. He should fix it. He is responsible, not you.

You don’t have to lie when your colleague asks you about the marks on your arms.

You don’t have to make everything ok.

I so understand why you want to make everything alright and calm again, because it’s a much nicer place when he is calm and nice.

Also, you know when that colleague at work says to you “why don’t you just leave” please don’t question or doubt yourself, just remember that you know this man inside out and you knew when it was the right time.

Remember you got you and your children out safely by waiting for the right time.

When you tell his mum and she says you must “turn the other cheek”. ......Please don’t.

When you leave, and you were brave to leave, please don’t feel guilty that the children don’t have their dad at home anymore. It was for the best. Your boys' lives will turn out well.

They will grow into good men; clever, emotionally intelligent and above all kind.

When one of the boys asks you “Will I hurt ladies like dad does” because everyone tells him he “looks like his dad” please know that you were right to reassure him that of course he would not, and that violence and abuse is a choice.

And please know you were right. Neither of them turned out like their dad..... In fact the complete opposite.  In years to come you will look at your boys sometimes and almost burst with pride.

When the time is right, talk with your boys about what they saw and heard so they can equip themselves to deal with their dad going forward and know they are not to blame. Don’t think you need to protect them from knowing their dad is violent and abusive. You need to protect them from being confused by the truth not being told.

And by the way, he will never go on to hurt your mum and dad like he threatened or tell your police colleagues things that will make you lose your job.... He won’t because he is just threatening you to get you to do his bidding.

One day in the future you will make all this work for you. You will use it to make a difference to lots of other people’s lives. You will not have a vanilla life; you will have a life with all shades of colour because of this experience.

You will turn the negative into positive and you will flourish and reach your potential. Just not in the way you dreamed of as a child. Sorry but you won’t be a famous dancer!

You will be a well-respected police officer, a light in domestic abuse work nationally and most of all a good mum, daughter, sister, friend and wife. This will be your collateral good.

 

If you're worried about your relationship, feel scared of your partner or are concerned about a friend, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge) 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247 – if you're in immediate danger always call 999 and ask for the police.

Sarah*'s story

Sarah* is a professional woman in her twenties who is now living safely and rebuilding her life after domestic abuse. She has shared her story with us in the hope that by raising awareness, we can help others to recognise that they are experiencing abuse and access support. 

“What does love mean to you?” I once asked my ex. Perhaps it was a rather intimate question to be asking over Skype but we were so comfortable with one another – it felt right. Also (to tell you the truth) I was keen on getting to know the intelligent, charming medic who had recently appeared in my life. He was based abroad so unless he flew out to visit, this was the closest I was to being with him and I wanted to know everything about him.

Despite his intelligence he wasn’t sure.

“I’ve not really thought about it much… love is love right? How about you? Maybe I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”

Little did I know that give it two years and I’d know exactly what love and relationships were all about to him. Three words: power and control. The last thing I would have ever thought love could mean.

Emotional, financial and mental abuse was the mainstay of what I was to endure after moving in with him. Isolated already as I’d moved to a foreign country, he still felt the need to limit contact with my family and friends. He had an abundance of excuses as to why I should be careful about the information I shared and who could visit us. Some of the most outrageous were people using black magic to try and separate us and a relative of his who might try and kill us. Though I didn’t understand most of it, he was always “trying to protect me”, and it was his “love” for me driving him to behave this way, which somehow made it more acceptable.

Through all the confusion and lies about finances, family and our relationship I felt I was losing myself. I found myself anxiously juggling everything to try and ensure I was being the best I could be to resolve the difficulties our marriage was facing. I communicated this confusion to him, little did I know that the more questions I asked, the more his tactics would escalate. Ironically the more I did for our relationship, the more he expected and these expectations were always changing.

There came a point when I came to know that this man who had vowed to commit to me and build a future together, saw me as merely an object. I had no priority in his life and our future family would suffer the same fate. This shattered me from the inside however the day he admitted it, gave me an entirely new lease of life. Empowered; I took some time out to process his confession. Something I hadn’t considered was that I wasn’t going to be allowed to come home to him thereafter. I unintentionally escaped his control and because of this he decided to cut me out of his life. Since that day I haven’t stepped foot into our marital home again.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and we don’t talk. If you had told me this a few years ago I would have told you that I couldn’t live without him and that it would be impossible.  It was strangely painful, but it wasn’t impossible. Through all the pain; I have gained far more than I ever thought I would. My voice is finally heard again. My beliefs and choices are wholly my own. I have a career. I have friends. Through my healing I’m learning to love myself more each day. I’m free. 

If my story resonates with you the one thing I want you to take from this is that you’re not alone. There is help available and there is always someone who will listen. Also you must remember that if you are in an abusive relationship, the perpetrator’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of you, their actions are a reflection of them. You are not at fault in this. You are worthy and deserving of true love. A love that is kind, sincere and liberating.

*Name changed for safety

If you're worried about your relationship, feel scared of your partner or are concerned about a friend, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge) 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247 – if you're in immediate danger always call 999 and ask for the police.

'The Devil at Home' - extract

Rachel Williams is a survivor, campaigner and SafeLives Pioneer. In 2011, after years of abuse, her ex-partner Darren attempted to murder her. Rachel survived and now devotes her time to helping other victims and survivors, and campaigning for change. Her book, 'The Devil at Home' tells her story.

We're so proud to work alongside Rachel, and to share this extract from her book. 

'I started to wonder if we were just an emotionally charged couple or whether I was experiencing domestic abuse. But I was a strong girl, not some timid wallflower. I wasn’t being controlled or beaten up every day; the incidents were few and far between.

Plus, I knew Darren inside and out – if he was moody I knew he was thinking about his brother, and if he was snappy I knew it was the anxiety talking. It seemed inconceivable that Darren would grow up with domestic violence then go on to become a perpetrator. And he was always so remorseful when he stepped out of line.

I couldn’t tell you exactly what constituted an abuser, but I didn’t imagine it was a man who wrote love notes and sobbed his heart out after losing his temper. I would joke with him that it was like living with two men: Darren was the bad one and Daniel was good.

I guess I felt that if I wanted Daniel I had to put up with Darren from time to time. And I believed I had enough love and strength in me to do that.'

 

You can buy The Devil at Home here.

If you're worried about your relationship, feel scared of your partner or are concerned about a friend, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge) 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247 – if you're in immediate danger always call 999 and ask for the police.

The other royal engagement

We were very honoured yesterday to welcome HRH the Duchess of Cornwall to visit a group of survivors and Idvas working in Stoke Royal Infirmary, as well as some terrific members of the clinical team. Perhaps not the Royal engagement that was most in the headlines yesterday, but a very important one all the same. 
 
Some of you will know that the Duchess has decided to try and raise awareness about domestic abuse and has worked to bring together different organisations and leaders in the sector. 
 
But, without wanting to put words into her mouth, it is meeting survivors and hearing their experience that gives her the resolve to continue her focus. 
 
Yesterday, she met three very special and different women all of whom had been supported by the hospital Idvas. All spoke of the lifeline – literally – that this gave them. She heard about the advice, the support and the care that they had received – for them and for their children. 
 
She heard about the continuing support offered by Arch, the wonderful charity who manages the domestic abuse services locally, including crucially from their peers. And she heard about how each one of them wanted to give back, share their story and help others escape the suffering that they had experienced.
 
Only 1 in 5 survivors will tell the police about domestic abuse. For the 4 in 5, and their children, we need a qualified and confident domestic abuse team located where survivors seek help – and a hospital is a unique place to do this. 
 
Currently there are only a small percentage of hospitals providing this kind of help. We hope very much that the introduction of the new Domestic Violence and Abuse Bill, and the accompanying package of non-legislative measures will start to change this. Domestic abuse is a public health problem first and a criminal justice problem second. If you were living with domestic abuse today, who would you rather speak to?
 
 

Domestic abuse is a public health epidemic

A year ago SafeLives’ launched our report A Cry for Health which argued that every hospital in the UK should host an Idva service. The findings reflected four years of research into hospital-based Idvas in five English hospitals who had located specialist domestic abuse services in their A&E and Maternity units.

We know that only one in five victims of domestic abuse call the police which is why identifying them earlier in health settings is so important. Our research found that hospital Idvas were supporting victims on average six months earlier compared to Idvas in community settings, and in the year before the hospital Idva service started, 56% of hospital victims had accessed A&E because of the abuse, compared with only 16% of victims who accessed a community service. These represent missed opportunities to intervene, which is particularly important for victims who do not have any contact with other agencies.

Hospital-based Idvas are also very important for safeguarding children. We know that around 30% of domestic abuse begins during pregnancy, while 40–60% of women experiencing domestic abuse are abused during pregnancy. NHS staff are under a duty to safeguard children at risk of harm and a hospital Idva service is well placed to help with identification, referrals and support, to enable hospitals to fulfil their duties, not least by ensuring mothers at risk are identified early on.

Since the launch of the research last year, we have been pushing the Department of Health and other health agencies to support the roll-out of more hospital Idva services. Our latest findings from our Practitioner’s Survey suggest that around 40 hospitals host or have strong links to an Idva service. But given that there are around 160 registered acute NHS providers in England, that means 75% of providers are without a dedicated specialist domestic abuse resource.

As part of continuing to make the case for health-based links with domestic abuse specialists, SafeLives successfully bid for money from the Tampon Tax fund in consortium with Standing Together, IRISi, AVA, Imkaan and the University of Bristol to pilot a Pathfinder Project which brings together domestic abuse systems leaders to establish comprehensive health practice in relation to domestic abuse in acute hospital trusts, mental health trusts and community based IRIS programmes in GP practices. We’re looking forward to hearing about the successful Pathfinder areas in the next few weeks!

We are also excited to have recently provided training to King’s College medical undergraduates on domestic abuse, ensuring that the next generation of health staff have a grounded understanding of coercive and controlling behaviours and how to best support domestic abuse survivors and their children in a health-setting. We will be looking to work closely with other medical schools in 2018 so do get in touch if you have links with universities who might be interested!

Finally, we will be pushing hard for the crucial involvement of health in identifying and supporting victims of domestic abuse in the forthcoming Domestic Violence and Abuse Bill. Quite rightly, domestic abuse has been identified as a public health epidemic and the sooner we can see real commitment from all part of the health service, both NHS and private providers, the better we will be able to reach victims and signpost them to the specialist support they need to get safe.

We hope you enjoy our #16Days campaign to increase the focus of health on domestic abuse and do get in touch if you want to work with us further.

Jess Asato is Public Affairs Manager at SafeLives. She can be contacted at Jessica.asato@safelives.org.uk

 

Please would you consider making a donation of £25, or a regular gift of £10 a month, or whatever you can afford to help us call for specialist domestic abuse teams in every hospital in the country? You can donate online here or by texting STOP16 followed by the amount you want to give to 70070. Thank you.